Hey Lopo,

first I wanted to write you a letter to say sorry. But I guess, the flowers were beautiful enough. Hence I planned on telling you about my current feelings and insecurites, which we shortly discussed on Monday night. But then this morning happened, and I was very upset. So I changed my intentions to writing you a critical note about my frustrations I have with you lately. And then you were very loving again, which kept my rollercoaster of emotions going.

In the end I will touch upon all three, to maybe also get my own thoughts and feelings in order.

I’m sorry

I did not mean to hurt you. It just came out it in the heat of the moment. It hurts me watching, the way you just shut off. Storming around the apartment, reckless in every way. I encountered these types of situations with my mum as well. Blocking everything I say. It’s frustrating, incapable of getting through this invisible wall, incapable to intervene kindly.

So I said what I felt. “You are a mess!!”. Your room is a depiction of yourself, and now you are destroying furniture that’s not even yours. I had to say something. Otherwise I would have had to recycle a bunch of wood. I wanted to shake you out of your trance.

But apparently I pushed you off the cliff…

Do you still love me?

I don’t mind repeating myself saying that I do not mind not having sex with you that often. It’s more that my brain things that you don’t love me, because you don’t want to get physcially intimate with me. And I guess that I will have to get accustomed to it. Learning to speak other love languages, and - just as important - learning to receive love through other channels. But in the meantime I guess that I will be very insecure…
Wondering if you still love me.

Do you hate me?

You have been very busy, so I thought I will make things easier and come to Freising. I acknowledge that you need your inbetween-time, to switch modes. But often, it is less so that you are absent minded, and more so mean to me.
I take some hits, try to ignore them. But sometimes there are to many consecutive strikes that I cannot but to wonder whether you hate me. Not thanking me for cooking the rice, but to doubt it was enough. Blaming me for the state of your room. Kicking me out of bed, so you can check your e-mails. Dismiss the help I offer. Unwilling to swing your hips to the side, so I can take a spoon, and then cursing in silence.

When we first got to know each other. You described yourself as a person who sources its energy from social interactions with friends. You might have changed, or I stopped being one of them…

Times are tough

…for both of us. It hurts me too. I have committed to this relationship. I have never before opened up to anyone emotionally. And never thought I would have done it to such an extent in my life. But I did.
I always thought that I would go crazy being around a person for such long periods. But I didn’t.

But here I am. And you are sitting right there. Giving me a weird look, I reciprocate. You signal me with your finger to come over, I make baby steps. You quickly glance to your left, I take a glance too. Another baby step. We repeat, until I am standing right next to you. We break out in laughter.
You tell me you love me.

And I love you too 😘